The Unwritten Rules of Friendship by Natalie Madorsky Elman & Eileen Kennedy-Moore

The Unwritten Rules of Friendship by Natalie Madorsky Elman & Eileen Kennedy-Moore

Author:Natalie Madorsky Elman & Eileen Kennedy-Moore [ELMAN, NATALIE MADORSKY]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: FAM034000
ISBN: 9780316055833
Publisher: Little Brown & Co.
Published: 2008-12-20T16:00:00+00:00


Ironically, Short-Fused Children’s worries about other people “doing them wrong” can actually produce the social outcomes that they fear. Figure 6.2 shows how this happens. Because Short-Fused Children expect malicious intent, they are on the lookout for offenses or provocation. This causes them to interpret other people’s actions in a biased way and to perceive threats even when none is intended. They bristle at the tiniest slight. Their hair-trigger temper comes from being poised to attack in what they see as self-defense. When they respond angrily or aggressively, other children reciprocate. This then confirms Short-Fused Children’s belief that their peers often deliberately try to hurt them.

Short-Fused Children not only take offense easily but also have a hard time letting go of grievances. They don’t just hold on to grudges; they cling to them and relive them and sharpen them as if their lives depended on not allowing their resentment to recede even slightly. A year from now, Lorena will still remember how Casey dumped soda in her backpack, and she will be as angry as if it had just happened. Because Short-Fused Children are constantly either anticipating or remembering how others have hurt them, they spend a lot of time feeling miserable.

If your child’s feelings are too easily hurt, learning the Unwritten Rules and doing the following exercises can help your child gain some perspective and control his or her automatic angry response. It’s also important to teach your child to tune in to benign explanations of misdeeds, to notice positive actions, and to forgive others’ mistakes. (If your child is prone to overreacting to perceived slights, you may also want to look at the exercises in chapter 8, “The Sensitive Soul.” If your child misjudges teasing, see the exercises in chapter 2, “The Vulnerable Child.”)

THE UNWRITTEN RULES

• It’s better to overlook misdeeds than to wrongly accuse someone.

• Don’t assume malicious intent. Accidents happen, and everyone makes mistakes.

• If you are looking for insults, you will find them.

• You can’t control what other people do; you can only control how you respond to them.

• Holding on to grudges hurts you, not the other person.

ACTIVITIES FOR LEARNING THE UNWRITTEN RULES

1. Arguing for the Defense

Short-Fused Children go through life thinking like prosecuting attorneys. They are ready and eager to convict wrongdoers and make them pay for their crimes. They are willing to fight to make sure people don’t get away with anything.

Give your child a chance to play a different role: defense attorney. The next time your child is indignant about something someone did to him or her, compliment your child on how well he or she presented the prosecution’s case. Then challenge your child to present an equally compelling case for the defense. For inspiration, you can provide your child with a description of the main kinds of arguments defense lawyers make.

Arguments for the Defense

Lack of intent: It was an accident. They didn’t mean to do it.

Negligence (lack of foresight): They didn’t realize that what they did would have harmful consequences.

Mitigating circumstances: There was some legitimate reason for why they did it.



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