The Emotionally Destructive Marriage: How to Find Your Voice and Reclaim Your Hope by Leslie Vernick

Author:Leslie Vernick [Vernick, Leslie]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Published: 2018-11-12T17:00:00+00:00

It’s not what your husband does to you that will do the most damage to your personhood, but rather what you do with what he does to you.

It sounds crazy, contrary to what we would humanly think of as a smart thing to do, but ask God to give you his heart of compassion for your spouse. Empathy for your husband does not mean enabling him or trusting him or allowing him to hurt you. It means you recognize he’s a sinner just like you. You feel sad for the man he has become instead of mad that he is such a lousy husband. It means you will not treat him as he deserves, but you will treat him as a human being who is created in God’s image. (In chapters 9 and 10, I’ll show you how to communicate hard truth without using contempt, shame, or disrespect, which will give you a much better chance at being heard.)

I want you to know that even if you feel helpless or powerless in your marriage, you do have choices. You can choose to grow in Christlike character through your difficult circumstances, or you can succumb to the lies of your real enemy, Satan. The Bible warns us, “Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour” (1 Peter 5:8, NIV). The devil may already be chomping away at your husband’s heart, but don’t let him get yours too. Maintaining your empathy and compassion not only protects you from staying a victim, but it protects you from becoming an abuser.

Marital adversity not only reveals character; it shapes it. You have a choice about how that shaping is taking place right now. When you know and believe that you are a loveable, valuable, worthwhile human being and live from that core place, then toxic people lose their power to manipulate you. They can’t control and intimidate you as they once did when you felt worthless, dependent, and needy. If you don’t strengthen your core, you will always live from your circumstances and your emotions. On the other hand, when you live from your core, your abusive/destructive husband might permanently damage your marriage, but he cannot destroy you.

Remember, to build CORE strength you must commit to truth. Refuse to pretend. Learn all you can, and be open to God and wise people to teach you and encourage you in the way forward. Take responsibility for your own behaviors and responses when your husband is acting destructively. He may dishonor you, but don’t dishonor yourself. Finally, deal with your own building resentment and bitterness so that you maintain your empathy and compassion. Empathy is not the same as enabling someone to continue their destructive behaviors toward you. You can compassionately say no, or call the police if needed.

Your CORE reflects who you are as well as who you want to be.

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