I Want to Die but I Want to Eat Tteokbokki by Baek Sehee

Author:Baek Sehee [Sehee, Baek]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781526648082
Google: 3sVcEAAAQBAJ
Published: 2022-06-22T17:00:00+00:00

Meaningful Even in a Small Way

‘These were all behaviours you had no awareness of until recently, and to make the realisation that you always make the same choices is, in itself, proof you’re getting better.’

I always considered pain or discomfort as me being a nuisance. I would censor my own pain. Despite my discomfort, I cared more about how I appeared to others. I hated to look as if I was whining about something that was actually more or less bearable. I was ashamed of my pain. Which was why it took so long for me to acknowledge the side effects of the medicine.

I always consider myself as unhappy, and know that’s a form of self-pity, but today I want to console myself. I am always the target of my own criticism – not saying I hurt even when I do, admitting something is wrong only when my mind and body scream at me in different ways, and making the fact that I hurt in the first place my own fault. Even when I throw myself at others, I deliberately do it to get stabbed in the heart. Which means, the more I hurt others, the bigger my own wounds become. But I am trying to create a middle ground in my world, and I’m realising some of the ways side effects manifest in my behaviour, so I would call this past week a pretty meaningful one.

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