Boogers Are My Beat: More Lies, but Some Actual Journalism by Barry Dave

Boogers Are My Beat: More Lies, but Some Actual Journalism by Barry Dave

Author:Barry, Dave [Barry, Dave]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: General Non-Fiction
ISBN: 9781400080762
Barnesnoble:
Goodreads: 131162
Publisher: Three Rivers Press
Published: 2003-01-01T00:00:00+00:00


A GPS Helps a Guy Always Know Where His Couch Is

I’m a big fan of technology. Most guys are. This is why all important inventions were invented by guys.

For example, millions of years ago, there was no such thing as the wheel. One day, some primitive guys were watching their wives drag a dead mastodon to the food-preparation area. It was exhausting work; the guys were getting tired just WATCHING. Then they noticed some large, smooth, rounded boulders, and they had an idea: They could sit on the boulders and watch! This was the first in a series of breakthroughs that ultimately led to television.

So we see that there are vital reasons why guys are interested in technology, and why women should not give them a hard time about always wanting to have the “latest gadget.” And when I say “women,” I mean “my wife.”

For example, as a guy, I feel I need a new computer every time a new model comes out, which is every fifteen minutes. This baffles my wife, who has had the same computer since the Civil War and refuses to get a new one because—get THIS for an excuse—the one she has works fine. I try to explain that, when you get a new computer, you get exciting new features. My new computer has a truly fascinating feature: Whenever I try to turn it off, the following message, which I am not making up, appears on the screen:

“An exception 0E has occurred at 0028:F000F841 in VxD—. This was called from 0028:C001D324 in VxD NDIS(01) + 00005AA0. It may be possible to continue normally.”

Clearly, this message is not of human origin. Clearly, my new computer is receiving this message from space aliens. I don’t understand all of it, but apparently there has been some kind of inter-galactic problem that the aliens want to warn us about. What concerns me is the last sentence, because if the aliens are telling us that “it may be possible to continue normally,” they are clearly implying that it may NOT be possible to continue normally. In other words, the Earth may be doomed, and the aliens have chosen ME to receive this message. If I can figure out exactly what they’re saying, I might be able to save humanity!

Unfortunately, I don’t have time, because I’m busy using my new GPS device. This is an extremely important gadget that every guy in the world needs. It receives signals from orbiting satellites, and somehow—I suspect the “cosine” is involved—it figures out exactly where on the Earth you are. Let’s say you’re in the town of Arcola, Illinois, but for some reason you do not realize this. You turn on your GPS, and, after pondering for a few minutes, it informs you that you are in… Arcola, Illinois! My wife argues that it’s easier to just ASK somebody, but of course you cannot do that, if you truly are a guy.

I became aware of how useful a GPS can be when I was



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